The O.C… A Documentary about sexual frustration and perversions of the rich and famous... or Teens... I forget which

I was going to write this piece in the style of an over dramatic teen in the throws of teenage hormonal angst. Unfortunately because of all the masturbation and acne I was distracted. It seems that even though I am just out of my teens, I have no wish to return to that place. Hair where there was no hair before, the lust of a thousand dogs humping your leg and spontaneous erections in class...

So then why did I watch 13 episodes of the O.C. back-to-back? I believe that just about every character in this show is fundamentally unlikeable. Take the problems of a regular dramatic teenager and then multiply that by about say... a hundred million dollars and then you have it.

Ah, the problems of the rich and spoiled.

 The show does have some redeeming features however. All of the characters are good looking (more on that later), the storylines are very dramatic, there is a fist fight in almost every episode and its one of the few American shows that doesn't use copious amounts of canned laughter when there is a funny part 'cause god forbid I’d miss a joke or forget to laugh.

Die Hard… A modest review of an excellent film

“Die Hard...The movie which spawned a trilogy”. This was before making three of every film was standard Hollywood practice. I can almost picture the fat executives sitting around in their fortress of creative oppression, discussing the surprise blockbusters indie movies have made on the unsuspecting public.

"I have an idea" says a quivering voice, belonging to the man at the back. He is new at this company, or has recently been promoted. You can tell this, because his belt still has the holes punched in it by the shop. Unlike the other executives, whose wives punched the extra notches on their belts. The wives who sit at home, frustrated that the 'up-and-coming hunk' they once married now resembles Jabba the Hut. The wives who hire a gardener just so they can have sex, then starve their husbands of the one thing they married them for. Revenge is sweet.

Condoms… The Slippery Killer

Condoms... The slippery killer. I am afraid the casualty here is mood or its other name, atmosphere. Let me paint you a semi erotic picture.

 You are in bed with your girl, perhaps kissing her neck. You are both completely naked having dispensed with clothes at the door. You slide your hand up her thigh towards your goal. Touching, teasing and delicately probing whilst she inexpertly tugs and wrenches your penis into submission. All of a sudden you roll away from her and spring your rubber amigo from its hiding place. You hold it up to look at it making sure you don't inadvertently put the damn thing on backwards, and then you put it on.

"What is she doing this whole time?" you may ask... perhaps she is kissing your neck or helping in some sort of way? Perhaps she is keeping herself 'warmed up' for you? What is more likely for me is that she is sitting there tracing her eyes down my back, trying to find a direct path from the top to the bottom that isn't stopped by large clumps of hair.

Hypocrisy Runs Riot… Friend Avoidance Courses

 Earlier today I had the misfortune of meeting a person who I have not spoken to for a long time. There is probably a reason for that. I only had the intention of making small talk until we both can think of a semi plausible excuse to leave. Things were going well until he decided to bring out the insults. Playful in their delivery with an undercurrent of something deeper. Perhaps its repressed homosexuality, with a side serving of sexual deviance.

So armed with this knowledge I proceeded to point out one of his many flaws. He became all defensive.

 "But you don't even know me!" he retorted

 Nice work asshole. "That's exactly what you just did. Insulting me without knowing me"

 "Ah yes, but I never said I wasn't a hypocrite"

 "That’s very true my simple minded friend. I never took the time to say I’m not a kiddie fiddling mountain gorilla. It’s just assumed"

 Well that’s one person I won’t be stopping in the street to talk to anymore.

Athletes…

Now it’s a well known fact that black men out perform ol' whitey at most sports. Just watch the Olympics for proof. Why? You may ask... Perhaps it’s because they come from a poorer background so they try harder, thus making it out of poverty. Perhaps it’s because years of slavery has lowered the white mans ability to do physical tasks by ourselves, thus making our species genetically weaker over the years to the point where we cannot properly compete for Olympic superiority.

One alternative theory has been offered however... "Craig, the reason they are so fit is because they spend their entire time back home running away from lions and tigers". This theory doesn't sound entirely accurate unless you replace the words "lions and tigers" with the phrase "men with guns". I know everyone over exaggerates the hardships they faced growing up... Hell an entire genre of music was founded on top of it. It’s called rap. And they only mention how hard it was for them as a gateway to talk about how much money they have now they are 'megastars'. The 'megastars' being in commas as 'superstars' wasn't enough. Soon there will be some 'gigastars'!!. Like fucking transformers all over again.

 "I'm a Megatron!! All cower before me"

"Oh yeah, well I have evolved into a Gigatron!!! Suck my left Nad"

"Well wait until I call upon my Tetrabeast!!! Then I shall break your jaw with my nads of steel..."