An Article Noir

  <read in a slightly gravely tone>

 I awoke slowly, feeling hot and sticky like a fat man wearing gimp suit. The day had started badly, but I felt refreshed after removing my rubber pyjamas and stepping into the shower. part of me was screaming out for a cigarette. Screaming for the sickly sweet hit that would make this crummy world seem less hopeless. I stopped screaming when the neighbours started to complain, then finished my shower. Perhaps dragging myself into the office would relieve some of this crippling monotony.

Dispose of your waste responsibily

Riding the Baloney Pony

Get Rich Quick… Or die trying schemes

Hello there, Let me take a moment to introduce myself. My name is Craig and recently I retired after becoming a multi billion gazillionaire. You may be surprised to know that I retired for the sole reason of that I had enough money and that I wanted to share my secret so that some other people may experience the lifestyles of your idols such as David Beckham, George Michael and Brittany spears.

So let me give you a basic background to my very successful system. I call it "the chance relocation of displaced assets".

This simple system involves walking around with your neck tilted at a 125 degree angle so that you can survey the linear plane upon which you walk. Once you happen to come across some money lying on the ground all you have to do is bend over and pick it up.

 Yes! It really is that simple

Bashing the Bishop

A Few things I learned while I was a student

With many boys and girls heading off to uni for the first time, some look to the internet for advice on one of the most important changes in their life so far. This is where the B-Team can help. With these handy tips you will find yourself being the most popular person in the uni since ghandi.

 1) Cleaning the toilet - a student should never have to clean the toilet other than on the day you move out so that you can stand a slim chance to get your deposit back. Usually you won’t get your deposit back, hence the toilet never being cleaned. If by some slim chance the queen comes out to visit to tell you to stop convincing Harry to dress like a Nazi, all unsightly deposits can be removed by directing a stream of urine in the appropriate direction.

Pro-besity…

Food is good. Gentlemen (and the occasional ladies who stray here by mistake), they say that food is the cause of all evil; the trademark of inequality, the killer of the lazy, the tormenter of the hungry and the opium of fat chicks. Well those are all lies... Ok, so all of them are true, but it doesn’t need to be this way. Food may have caused such problems as






 ·        Heart disease,

·        Trench foot,

·        Diabetes,

Foxhunting? Or Toff Hunting?

Hello B-teamers, I stumbled across my latest rant and rave when on a nice golf day out with fellow B-Teamer Iron Fist. Upon seeing the sun shine and Iron fist hacking his own trench, shouting profanities at helpless trees that were quote "Plotting against him", a fox ran in front of my path carrying a small white ball, following by an angry Scots man. It was at that point that I thought foxes were far to useful and damn right humorous to let a bunch of thoughtless, rich, public school going toffs rip them to shreds with a load of hungry pit-bulls. I think personally it would be a much more interesting “sport”, hence the sport bit is in commas " "!!, to strap various varieties of pedigree chum to their stripy country outfits and shout run Hubert run, or ha-ha Walter that is so entertaining watching that dog ruining your taylored suit, while happy foxes ride off in to the sunset on horseback!

Would there be anything more entertaining than a happy-go-lucky foxy stoaty fox, doing a highland fling or Irish Jig around a severely vertically challenged Hubert.

Spanking the Monkey

Plea for Power…

Hello B-Teamers, it’s been a while and I have missed you all as much as an African would miss Mugabe. I.e. Immensely.

 Anyway up and onwards.

 By false advertising I am of course referring to anything that even when you are sober, can make a whale look like a supermodel and the way in which governments seem to be a multiple choice guess work democracy.

 This is Raging Horses plea to all other members to vote him in to power. I promise the homeless problem will no longer be a problem, as all will be offered a free trip to Australia to mark the anniversary of the grand export service we provided them in centuries gone by.

 The Aged will no longer be a problem, as all will be expected to take up the offer of a free boat trip to Iran for all their good service to Britain-this applies to all over 75's.