Turns out all even with all those punches to the head the good Dr Calzaghe is really good at math...
Larger than a badger, smaller than a large badger...
Saturday 7 September 2013
New from the B-Team Labs - Dr Calzaghe's Brain Training
Turns out all even with all those punches to the head the good Dr Calzaghe is really good at math...
Throwback Friday
When looking at our finely crafted posts, you could be fooled into believing the pictures we create are crafted by the almighty as a gift to mere mortals. So to make you all seem less like the abject failures your parents think you are, here is a rare glimpse behind the production dept at the B-Team with one of Raging Horses drawings which never passed the strict quality control we employ at the B-Team.
 |
| Bonus points if you can guess the story this picture belonged to... |
New from the B-Team Labs - Religion
Yep, that there is a picture of Mohammad. Go on, I dare you, suicide bomb the B-Team lab... (He's the one with the red hair right?)
New from the B-Team Labs - Non Alcoholic Beer
Friday 6 September 2013
Madonna: more famous than Badgers?
When not recording hit singles, starring in movies, that if god existed he would send straight to video, penning racy sex manuals, and roaming foreign lands abducting small children to whisk back to the UK to devour in the kingdom of horrors, badgers like to relax by drinking bitter in their local pub and brewing premium strength lager in their basement. Madonna on the other hand, has been seen scavenging round bins for left over takeaway and foraging in freshly ploughed fields looking for tasty worms and roots. Not wanting to turn this fine publication into a celebrity gossip column I’m going to get to the real news...
The Selfish Landlord and some Money Making Schemes...
The Bteam were this month told by their landlord that they were no longer allowed to pay their rent with old copies of razzle and homemade pillows made of badger and gorilla hair. This left our fearsome Bteamers with a doozie of a problem: They had to finally try and earn some real money!!! Ahhhhhh
Fortunately the Bteam would like to report that their rare golden Badger cedric has reached his 13th birthday, making him exactly 347 years old in human years according to B team boffins.
The Bteam have therefore decided to attempt to sell cedric as a miracle of medical science.
Fortunately the Bteam would like to report that their rare golden Badger cedric has reached his 13th birthday, making him exactly 347 years old in human years according to B team boffins.
The Bteam have therefore decided to attempt to sell cedric as a miracle of medical science.
Back with a Bang!
(Well really an explosion, due to the sexual connotations of the word 'Bang'. The B-team lawyers are looking into it...)
Just when you think the world couldn't get any crazier, the B-Team, slightly greyer and a whole lot lazier come roaring back to the fore complete with all their worldly possessions and the remains or Sher Lindlers factory picked up at auction upon its inevitable closure following the exploding fish shaped dildo crisis.Pimps and Prostitutes Part 1
Once again we find our heroes in the midst of danger, fighting the good fight, and waging war against their mortal enemy... Lasagna .
After 16 grueling rounds in the Cornwall Annual Lasagna Eating Contest we are down to our last two teams... "The B-Team" Vs "The Pimps and Ho's".
The B-Team consist of Raging Horse - A lasagna eating machine, trained in the art of stomach displacement by Tibetan Monks he is capable of consuming over one hundred cubic inches of lasagna in one sitting, and Iron Fist - famed for financially crippling the once successful Pizza Hut franchise by abusing the all you can eat offer.
Guerilla Warfare
This week B-team boffins have been reading up furiously on the art of Guerilla warfare. Unfortunately in the translation, somewhere along the lines communication lapsed slightly, resulting in Iron fist and Raging Horse spending their days training three mountain Monkeys to aim Machine Guns at cardboard life-size pictures of fallen leaders.
So far the art of guerilla warfare has proved largely frustrating and unsuccessful. The trainees have so far managed to give Adolph a nasty injury in the left foot, and our second monkey trainee B-teamer has given young Stalin an unwanted lopsided handlebar moustache.
So far the art of guerilla warfare has proved largely frustrating and unsuccessful. The trainees have so far managed to give Adolph a nasty injury in the left foot, and our second monkey trainee B-teamer has given young Stalin an unwanted lopsided handlebar moustache.
Zebra Crossings...
This week the B-Team has gone in to the business of Providing Zebra Crossings to all the locals around B-Team Headquarters.
B-Team boffins hatched the plan that to provide zebra crossings to all the local schools and danger zones a lot of zebras were required. Trips to Africa and the disguises needed to enter the country following the effort to cure the hungry fellows with pot noodle soup, were provided.
B-Team boffins hatched the plan that to provide zebra crossings to all the local schools and danger zones a lot of zebras were required. Trips to Africa and the disguises needed to enter the country following the effort to cure the hungry fellows with pot noodle soup, were provided.
Endangered Badgers
NE NAR NE NAR NE NAR, as a massive giant tube of toothpaste pulls up outside B-Team headquarters. Out steps a clone of Charlie Chaplin complete with giant tit on his head, combined with a fearsome handlebar mustache you could hang your keys off!
Mission… To Capture the Mythical Magical (possibly Majestic) Badger of Kuala Lumpur
Success, the B-team has managed to capture the magical golden badger of Kuala Lumpur. After hearing about this mythical beast the B-Team embarked on a dangerous mission just after completing a survey of mountain ranges in Holland.
For this mission the B-Team would have to be prepared for all eventualities so therefore packed 32 cans of beans, full artic camouflage clothes and 1 holy bible just in case nature called.
Upon arriving in Kuala Lumpur the b-team discarded the bible (as the Koran was made with far better quality paper) and set off on their journey to find the magical golden badger. After 13 days trying to capture the golden badger using traps filled with mashed potato the B-team decided to dress up as badgers using bin liners and white paint in an attempt to blend in with the "locals". Unfortunately raging horse got into character entirely too much and had to be let out of the traps by iron fist who was also looking for mashed potato.
Their next attempt was to use their extensive knowledge of badger calling, and loudspeaker construction to entice the badger out using the patented "badger seduction call" pioneered in B-Team labs. Unfortunately this only resulted in attracting randy and ferocious male badgers which due to poor daytime vision took a bit of a fancy to our two heroes dressed in full badger camouflage who then chased raging horse and iron fist down the mountain and back to base camp, where they discovered that the magical golden badger had been staying with B-team badger Cedric in one of the tents the whole time… and is now expecting a litter!!
Upon seeing this, the B-Team badger Cedric did the decent thing all men do when presented with this situation; which was leave as fast as possible without giving her a forwarding address. Hooray, another B-team member with a litter of illegitimate children.
Well Done Cedric you cheeky scamp.
For this mission the B-Team would have to be prepared for all eventualities so therefore packed 32 cans of beans, full artic camouflage clothes and 1 holy bible just in case nature called.
Upon arriving in Kuala Lumpur the b-team discarded the bible (as the Koran was made with far better quality paper) and set off on their journey to find the magical golden badger. After 13 days trying to capture the golden badger using traps filled with mashed potato the B-team decided to dress up as badgers using bin liners and white paint in an attempt to blend in with the "locals". Unfortunately raging horse got into character entirely too much and had to be let out of the traps by iron fist who was also looking for mashed potato.
Their next attempt was to use their extensive knowledge of badger calling, and loudspeaker construction to entice the badger out using the patented "badger seduction call" pioneered in B-Team labs. Unfortunately this only resulted in attracting randy and ferocious male badgers which due to poor daytime vision took a bit of a fancy to our two heroes dressed in full badger camouflage who then chased raging horse and iron fist down the mountain and back to base camp, where they discovered that the magical golden badger had been staying with B-team badger Cedric in one of the tents the whole time… and is now expecting a litter!!
Upon seeing this, the B-Team badger Cedric did the decent thing all men do when presented with this situation; which was leave as fast as possible without giving her a forwarding address. Hooray, another B-team member with a litter of illegitimate children.
Well Done Cedric you cheeky scamp.
B-Team Training… The art of disguise.
This week the B-team training centre has torn itself away from badger breading to focus on a much more serious issue when working undercover. That being the art of disguise. B-team candidates are now required to pass an exam, this includes naming and finding a use for 54 varieties (coincidently written by raging horse while consuming the best part of 15 cans of Heinz soup) of novelty wigs bought by iron fist while under the influence of Mr. Heinekens finest!
Badger Dancing
Hooray for the B-team! We have just won the most outstanding, highly skilled and sought-after award. The award is accredited by the top boffins at BBC. This week iron fist had been crowned the new champion of the Dancing on Ice series for his rendition of the waltz on ICE, appropriately names by the legend himself as "MAN CHASING BADGER" due to the incredible circumstances in which Iron Fist entered the competition.
Mission: Feed Gluttonous America
Mission Status: Completed
Mission Detailed:-
Last week our fearless heroes escaped from Iraq back to Dildoland (Formerly Germany) to take a break in the company of billionaire businessman 'Sher Lindler'. After production dropped 400% due to process-optimisation introduced by the B-Team Sher Lindler generously suggested that their holiday may be more enjoyable if they took advantage of an all expenses paid trip to America.B-team test of the senses
This week B-team members have been subjected to a variety of small tests to determine the quality of their senses and reflexes. First was the test for reflexes which involved dropping five open cans of lager over each member-the aim to catch as many as possible. Iron Fist and Raging Horse surpassed this challenge in the only way possible-pure initiative. By steeling the key to the store cupboard and drinking everything in sight (even the medicine cabinet) the test was technically a success and nothing was actually spilt.
An Alternative Education…
In an attempt to gauge the response of the emergency services, as well as good ol' human spirit, B-Team boffins assigned the B-Team a very important mission. The best place to test both of these responses at once would be to run in to a high school and shout profanities until we were:
1) Asked To Leave
2) Forced to Leave
3) Police called to physically remove us
Mission: Escape Some Angry Aussies
Mission Status: Completed
Mission Detailed:-
When we last caught up with the B-Team, they were rich beyond their wildest dreams after providing the means for Australia to secretly import Lager, and save face with the international community by not revealing the fact that they don’t produce Australian Lager.
So what have the B-Team been doing with their fabulous riches since then? Well the lager shortage been averted and Sher Lindler has become the most successful business man ever, turning all of Germany into a large factory for producing the "Rubber Goliath - Australia Edition"
Mission: To Help Australia During a National Crisis
Mission Status: Completed
Mission Detailed:-
This week, the B-Team having left two more illegitimate wives behind on a desert Island, are discovered barely conscious, washed up on the shore of Australia, clutching only their lawnmowers. After 3 days in the hospital being fed lager intravenously the B-team spring to life in a style not seen since the early Popeye cartoons.
How many takeaways, evacuate when you run in shouting bomb?
Due to the B-Teams lack of resources our local takeaways have become increasingly important in the daily quest for global supremacy. We therefore consider it of high importance to depict which ones are likely to buckle in times of crisis. Due to the police authorities being a bit on the cautious side regarding people strapped up with 10 tons of high explosive, we decided to cut the task down to simply running around aimlessly shouting profanities and BOMB, while waving our hands around like a demented Mexican practicing his wave.
B-team test the limits of human patience
B-Team scientists have been working in shifts to obtain these results. First of all iron fist and raging horse were issued with rubber dart firing guns from the pound shop, and told explicitly not to fire them at the new lodger who is staying for the month.
How fast paint dries
B-Team members set out with an experiment on fifty brands of creosote, to enable B-Team members to test their concentration levels and endurance. B-Team member Iron Fist failed on the grounds that drinking twenty of them does not follow the rules of the test. Raging Horse made incredible progress up until five minutes into the test when judges found raging horse to have painted on fake eyes to look as if he were awake. His downfall came when judges realised that his normal blue eye colour had strangely changed to a nice shade of creosote. Both members were sent to the B-Team research centre to determine the damage caused to themselves from the experiment.
Raging Horse has since lost his sense of smell and Iron Fist unfortunately has a constant taste for super strength curry caused by the lining of creosote in his stomach. Both have been suspended for three days in the wake of the results.
It later emerged that B-Team members Iron fist and Raging Horse had spent the next three hours pretending to be Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, B-Team Scientists believe this to be the short-term result of the toxicity levels of the consumed substance!
Mission: To Escape Island El Muerte ( Preferably to Australia)
Mission Status: Completed
Mission Detailed:-
After cornering the world market in "Green Tea leaves" we find our heroes deserted on a far away land with only a ton of Easyjet and enough hallucinogenic herbs to persuade Hendrix to put down his harp.
Following their ordeal and a few dozen cups of green tea B-Team members decided the only way to satisfy their incredible case of the munchies was to eat the leather from their shoes. After two days of chewing rubber soles they realised that shoes are much more use in searching for alternative snacks.
Luckily the B-Team had come prepared with survival packs. These consisted of two electric razors, one petrol powered lawnmower and a microwave oven. Also in the B-Teams armory was a copy of the Bible in Arabic which proved invaluable as in propping up their lawnmowers.
As any good woodsman knows the first thing to do in this situation is "Prey" "run" "drink sea water" then trade you fallen easyjet as the golden eagle, sent as a gift from the gods to a mystified local tribe.
After accepting the trade we graciously took his daughters in payment. After fulfilling every natural desire and a couple of unnatural ones it was time for Raging horse and Iron fist to scarper!!!! Forever written in the islands folklore the B-team members are now recognised as mystic ghosts sent down from the gods to multiply, eventually doubling the islands population in the space of three days.
Legend has it that Raging horse had three heads and a long beard to trap prey (known in folklore as Tribeardoadabeleagous). Iron fist was known as the man with six breasts ten feet tall (Thebeardedenormonagous to the locals) used to lull prey into a false sense of security.
The hero's left on a small wooden raft glued together with pva glue and chewing gum. Only realising mid Atlantic the shortcomings of their design, Picking Pva glue dramatically reduces the boredom of journeys. Having two small toothpicks as oars also was a small design fault. After circling the island twice the two escapees decided to unpack the motor boat from the plane. Aided by two lawnmower engines the B-team were able to transport their microwave to Australia in record time, only loosing their Arabian bible due to weight restrictions. We would like to point out that this is in no way connected to the four all-day breakfasts and three kegs of Home brew consumed purely for medical reasons the previous night.
The Exact whereabouts of The B-Team are still unknown, but the bible was recovered.
Mission: - To escape the Authorities any way possible, and keep a low profile
Mission Status: - completed
Mission Detailed: -
Since the last mission delegated to the B-Team international Vigilante group (I.E us) ended in disaster with the destruction of a priceless golden Afghan toilet the B-team have been forced to keep up their disguise as two hormonally challenged nuns and have since sought sanctuary in a small yet incredibly rich nunnery off the west coast of England.
Mission: - The safe transportation of goods to Afghanistan. Further details to follow from Vigilante contacts.
Mission Status:- Completed 10/09/05
Mission Detailed:-
Since the B-Teams excursion into the food production business they have gone bankrupt due to a national shortage of corn beef rendering them unable to continue with their specialty-Beefy fish. Thus confirming the suspicions of the trade descriptions officers.
Mission:- Escape the Temporary Holding camp for category 2 Prisoners
Mission Status:- Completed
Mission Detailed:-
Iron Fist and Raging Horse Run to the hills and possibly for their lives after escaping from AlcoZops prison off the remote island of fan shanshisko. Three unused tunnels were later found by prison warder Hans HerShalke rumoured to be named Dick, Dom and Dec that led to the camp food stores, the local Brothel and the Clap Clinic.
Raging Horse and Iron Fist made a daring escape using two bean bags through the main entrance. Guards were said to be distracted by a Small Chinese midget dressed in a dinner jacket, said to be under the influence of shaken spirits. He is currently under suspicion for assaulting the legs of many attractive female officers.
They then proceeded to Load up three mini’s with 400 cans of Corn Beef, reinforcing the car structure with two high quality bean bags. Due to weight restrictions all the keys to open the corn beef had to be discarded.
Police officers believe that the two felons are likely to be in sanctuary of a local Jewish settlement, earning their keep producing rubber dildos for German manufacturer Sher Lindeler.
Rumour has it that the escapees have since earned enough money from their side careers as Male Strippers, alter ego’s Raunchy Fireman Pat and The Adonis Postman Sam and have since invested their fortunes in a new restaurant specialising in rare gold fish. The restaurants named “something fishy” has since been investigated by trade description officers who suspect that the pair have been using corn beef and fish skins to fool customers.
The whereabouts of the B-Team are still unknown.
Mission Detailed:-
Iron Fist and Raging Horse Run to the hills and possibly for their lives after escaping from AlcoZops prison off the remote island of fan shanshisko. Three unused tunnels were later found by prison warder Hans HerShalke rumoured to be named Dick, Dom and Dec that led to the camp food stores, the local Brothel and the Clap Clinic.
Raging Horse and Iron Fist made a daring escape using two bean bags through the main entrance. Guards were said to be distracted by a Small Chinese midget dressed in a dinner jacket, said to be under the influence of shaken spirits. He is currently under suspicion for assaulting the legs of many attractive female officers.
They then proceeded to Load up three mini’s with 400 cans of Corn Beef, reinforcing the car structure with two high quality bean bags. Due to weight restrictions all the keys to open the corn beef had to be discarded.
Police officers believe that the two felons are likely to be in sanctuary of a local Jewish settlement, earning their keep producing rubber dildos for German manufacturer Sher Lindeler.
Rumour has it that the escapees have since earned enough money from their side careers as Male Strippers, alter ego’s Raunchy Fireman Pat and The Adonis Postman Sam and have since invested their fortunes in a new restaurant specialising in rare gold fish. The restaurants named “something fishy” has since been investigated by trade description officers who suspect that the pair have been using corn beef and fish skins to fool customers.
The whereabouts of the B-Team are still unknown.
The B-Team Graduate Programme:
In the great words of the guy who gave Jack Black lines on 'School of Rock'... "Those who can’t do, teach"
Which has nothing to do with why B-Team Boffins have sent Iron Fist and Raging Horse down to the Education Wing of the newly built B-Team mansion to teach raw recruits in the art of stealth, firearms and more surprisingly, the art of seduction. All useful tools a B-Team member would need when deployed in the field.
Lesson 1: The Art of Seduction: An appropriate test would be to take the recruits in two groups led individually by Iron Fist and Raging Horse out on the town to teach them the appropriate methods.
This test ended in partial success. Raging Horse managed to take his group into a bar full of girls called 'The Other Side' which seemed to make sense as the bar was full of girls. Unknown to Raging Horse was that it happened to be a bar for lesbians, and all he succeeded in doing was watching one of the other customers stopping one of his male recruits from ever having children...
Iron Fist had less success when two of his recruits decided to get together and then leave the B-Team programme... FAIL
Lesson 2: Stealth: An appropriate test would be for a recruit to steal something from the B-Team mansion when it was guarded by top B-Team Members and tutors Iron Fist and Raging Horse...
The fresh recruits passed this test with flying colours as Iron Fist thought only to guard the fridge by eating the entire contents which resulted in the inability to move for almost 5 hours. Raging horse had similar success when he decided to guard the wine cellar using similar methods...
PASS
Lesson 3: Firearms: An appropriate test would to be to shoot all the targets that pop up avoiding the civilian cut-outs when they pop up...
This test didn't go too well as Raging Horse was too hung over to attend this lesson due to a 30 bottle hangover, while Iron Fist, fresh from lesson 2, succeeded in vomiting over most of the targets and dropping his gun. Due to the stench of vomit most of the recruits couldn't fire straight as they were holding their noses.
FAIL
The B-Team graduate programme has since been shut down, in favour of creating a charity to help Ex B-Team recruit buy new testicles.
Which has nothing to do with why B-Team Boffins have sent Iron Fist and Raging Horse down to the Education Wing of the newly built B-Team mansion to teach raw recruits in the art of stealth, firearms and more surprisingly, the art of seduction. All useful tools a B-Team member would need when deployed in the field.
Lesson 1: The Art of Seduction: An appropriate test would be to take the recruits in two groups led individually by Iron Fist and Raging Horse out on the town to teach them the appropriate methods.
This test ended in partial success. Raging Horse managed to take his group into a bar full of girls called 'The Other Side' which seemed to make sense as the bar was full of girls. Unknown to Raging Horse was that it happened to be a bar for lesbians, and all he succeeded in doing was watching one of the other customers stopping one of his male recruits from ever having children...
Iron Fist had less success when two of his recruits decided to get together and then leave the B-Team programme... FAIL
Lesson 2: Stealth: An appropriate test would be for a recruit to steal something from the B-Team mansion when it was guarded by top B-Team Members and tutors Iron Fist and Raging Horse...
The fresh recruits passed this test with flying colours as Iron Fist thought only to guard the fridge by eating the entire contents which resulted in the inability to move for almost 5 hours. Raging horse had similar success when he decided to guard the wine cellar using similar methods...
PASS
Lesson 3: Firearms: An appropriate test would to be to shoot all the targets that pop up avoiding the civilian cut-outs when they pop up...
This test didn't go too well as Raging Horse was too hung over to attend this lesson due to a 30 bottle hangover, while Iron Fist, fresh from lesson 2, succeeded in vomiting over most of the targets and dropping his gun. Due to the stench of vomit most of the recruits couldn't fire straight as they were holding their noses.
FAIL
The B-Team graduate programme has since been shut down, in favour of creating a charity to help Ex B-Team recruit buy new testicles.
Lasagna: life saving qualities?
In this magnificent piece of research by B-Team Scientists we discover that the B-Teams love for Lasagna could actually inadvertently save their lives in the future. We have calculated that after eating 450 family size portions of Asda value lasagna B-team members iron Fist and Raging Horse would be free from starvation for a period of three whole days. Also later in the test we discovered that B-Team members we're no-longer able to fit into a walk in fridge/freezer and therefore there is no-longer a chance of accidental imprisonment.
Sunday 25 August 2013
We're moving... So...grab an end of this sofa and help me move it up 8 flights of stairs
After years of hosting the abomination of the site I created in 2002 in Microsoft FrontPage it was time to move and let Google do the heavy lifting. After a 2 day rape shower I have started to move all the old content onto the new format pages. I doubt poor formatting and broken links were part of the sites inate charm, but if they were, prepare to be disappointed.
It's been a good long time since we posted but I'll keep the original dates on there for posterity (also because most of the pop-culture references will make no sense without them...)
Here's to another 10 years of B-Team mayhem!
C
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)