Fascist State's Rule…With an Iron Fist

I was watching the very fine movie 'Demolition Man' the other day, with the rubber faced Stallone and the very respectable Bollock, when Stallone was talking about the chip in his hand. "All this fascist crap makes me sick" he spat. "Yeah, stick it to the man!" I thought. "Trying to control you!” Those bastards made swearing and pornography illegal, and violent crime and murder and rape and theft and drugs and... Hold on... The more you think about it, the police state in demolition man really does make sense. Most of it at least.

 The only reason I never wanted a police state is because if I ever did commit a crime is the fear that I would be caught. That I'd have no chance of getting away with it. Having been the victim of crime myself, I can’t understand why I thought this way. I have no intention of committing any of these crimes. It’s like I was protecting the people who can’t be bothered to work for a living, or people who believe violent assault is funny. The laws are there for a reason so if I break them I should be sentenced accordingly.

Chain Pubs-Anyone for the same pint, same meal and same dumb Scally serving?

 Hello people, this week Raging Horse has decided its time to rant and rave about one of the worse enemies of the B-Team and any other half decent drinker. These common places popping up round Britain at the expense of our local pubs are known as the dreaded "Chain Establishments".

 Basically a place where one man and his dog are no longer welcome, replace a pie for a Poisson and replace a bar stool for a comfy chair.

For those of you that have noticed the gradual culling of our beloved drinking hovels and the way in which those rich basterdo's are taking over like a swarm of alien beings armed with pound signs in their eyes, this article should get the blood boiling and the beer flowing.

It's heading towards the state in which you can not find a proper British pint of beer for neither love nor money. The war cry from supporters of these dreaded places namely "Il have a pint of Foster’s" is currently keeping "Raging Horse" and "Iron Fist" awake at night and I’m guessing a lot of fellow drinkers out there. I mean you can't beat a lovely pint of Australian Lager brewed in a back street factory of the Uk. We sent prisoners over there; they send an even worse punishment back!! Those Aussies have definitely got their heads screwed on lol.

Edinburgh Festival…. Not just for tourists

The Edinburgh festival is a magical time in Scotland. A time when obnoxious English and American tourists frolic hand in hand with quaint Scottish villagers while street entertainers from around the globe use their talents to delight and amaze the slack jawed and wide eyed visitors. So as part of my 'Scottish villager outreach program', I grabbed the nearest English woman I could find and started frolicking hand in hand down the street.

 Surprisingly, this is only the second time I have been to the festival in all my years growing up in Scotland, so this year seeing a clown on a unicycle, a Korean man with a coat hanger on his head (with the original name of hanger man) balance on briefcase whilst juggling blunt knifes or even a street comedian spin yo yo's about, was quite fun. But if you want to see something good you usually have to pay for it... Which brings me to the paid shows I saw this year.

Women drivers-THE SILENT ASSASSINS

 When you see a Nissan Micra doing a mighty impression of a screeching duck walk with the hand eye co-ordination of a one legged clog dancer, the only expected outcome is that some fool has let his wife behind the wheel.

 Not only do they continue to put diesel in your brand new 2.0 liter v6, they have improve the look of the poor beast by hanging two big luminous dice off the wing mirror. Therefore converting what was a black panther into a small Siamese cat. The equivalent of cutting it's testicles off then covering the wound with a brightly coloured flower and a bunch of grapes.

 Seriously women drivers are (and 90% will back me up on this providing the wife isn’t holding a bread knife within reasonable distance) the only species that can manage to remind you three times in five minutes that someone’s crossing the road in the next two miles and then use trees and houses as vivid simple guidelines of where the roads laid out when they take to the wheel. Why else do most women refuse to drive when it gets dark or when snow falls?

 Please tell me if I’m mistaken on this one but I’m currently campaigning for the introduction of concords return to do small flights around city centers. Now you may ask why? The answer is simple- ANYONE THATS SEEN AN OLD WOMEN TRYING TO PARRALLEL PARK A FORD MONDEO WOULD REALISE IT WOULD ACTUALLY SAVE TIME AND SPACE!

Graveyards… A Criminal Waste of Space

I was taking the long walk into uni yesterday past the graveyard. And like many graveyards, it’s a hangout for muggers, rapists, heroin addicts and 'misunderstood' teens with their pale faces and fat girlfriends, when I had a thought. One of many that day. With all the people dieing in Liverpool from poor diet and gang violence, soon the graveyard will be full. This land is already surrounded by houses so you can’t extend it. So you start a new graveyard on the outskirts of Liverpool... But when the town expands soon that graveyard will have the same problem. So you keep building graveyards until the whole country is one big graveyard.

The land that the graveyard occupies is prime real estate but who the hell wants to live in a house built on a graveyard? Unless there is another war and Liverpool gets bombed to shit again, that land will forever remain unoccupied except for people who died many years ago.

So what do we do about it? As a temporary solution I suggest that we bury people in between older graves. Thus practically doubling the number of people we can squeeze into the yard. Also, coinciding with that, the government can start a tasteful advertising campaign to encourage people to have their loved ones cremated....

 Soothing voice: "Why bury them in the ground in an empty graveyard only to be eaten by worms and have their graves desecrated by drunks, when they can live in an urn right next to you.... It will be like they never left!"

Woman… The Only Sure Path to Self Destruction

This is a picture of me upon the moral high ground. I seem to spend so much time up there that I decided to build myself a castle to keep me warm. It may be good up there but it can get cold and lonely. Well at least it doesn't have that inconvenience of flooding 'New Orleans' style and hey, the sewage doesn't run up hill.

 Recently I have had the unfortunate experience of yet another break-up that wasn't my fault. Oh how I missed hearing the standard "It just happened" and the never old "I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing". The Joy I felt upon welcoming these old friends back into my life was indescribable.

Hell, I've been drunk many times. So drunk I slept on the street near my door cause I couldn't find it, and I have never cheated...Maybe that’s why I live alone in my castle of solitude.