The Life and Times of Admiral Taverns (Chapter 2)

The Voyage

Amidst the hustle of the hawkers and traders found along Pickle Wharf walks young Taverns.  Clutched tightly in his left hand is an acceptance letter from the captain of the Harry Bever, Iron Fist, granting him his first berth on the great green.  In his right hand he bears his lucky ‘Bloodsport Hedgehog’ trading card, depicting the Godfather of hedgehog fighters, ‘Bare-knuckle Bobo’.

Taverns could barely contain his joy at being selected aboard the ‘Harry Bever’  and had memorised his acceptance letter after countless readings (Three times.  Although, he stopped mid way through the second reading to masturbate furiously to the image of Captain Iron Fists daughter, who would also be aboard ship…).

Dearest Taverns,

The Uni Graduates Guide To Getting A Job

Chapter 1 - The CV

Your CV is a vital document that summarises the majesty of your existence to a potential employer. You must grab your potential employer’s attention with your sheer, overpowering greatness, or your CV will end up in the circular filing system under their desk (also known as a bin). Write a boring CV and you might as well sprint down now and join the other worthless sociology graduates behind the McDonalds, fighting for the choicest Big Mac wrapper to devour.

To grab an employer's eye you must create the written equivalent of a war chant! Print your resume on fluorescent pink paper, so it leaps out of the pile already sitting on their desk. Experiment with dashing fonts, and use as many of them as possible. Writing your name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says "Check ME out! I'm no PE student!" Sprinkle a bit of your most sensual aftershave on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget your picture, too! Be sure to staple several of your best 8x10 glossy pictures from your brief stint at modeling on top.

The Life and Times of Admiral Taverns (Chapter one)

Beginning of an era

Before man discovered that war could be carried over vast distances through the use of high powered rockets, long before the monkey navigated bomb, even before the badger learned to mate with armadillos to provide an offspring of unbeatable proportions, there was a breed of man known as ‘sea-farers’.

Man first learned to love the sea as they could relate it to their wives when on long journeys (rough, temperamental, holds a lot of wood and you always get the suspicion that you’re not the first and definitely won’t be the last to ride her). Never the less, man loved her.

The Iron Fist Guide to Seduction...

Ok, I'll be the first to admit it. There is no Iron Fist guide to seduction. I got you all here under false pretences. Below is a small guide to all the different and equally successful pulling techniques I have tried over the years.

Unless you have the natural charisma of Richard Branson or are hung like a barnacle (proportionally), then I am sure you will recognise a few of these...

The only survival guide you’ll ever need – Soon to be released!!

 For a long time I have had it requested of me to compile my memories from my vast experience with the female kind.  At long last, 7 minutes of constant nagging by a giant mass of hair with legs known as Raging Horse (Tonto), I have begun work on the only book you will ever need to read.

 Whether you want to boost your confidence or simply want to have copious, care free, sex with a multitude of beautiful women, this book will help you! (Author’s note – ‘If you want to purchase this book with the intention of merely boosting your confidence in various aspects of your life, please replace it on the shelf and return when you have grown a pair of balls).

Chris "The Fixer" Jenkins - The Initiation...

Dispose of your Waste Part 4

Dispose of your Waste Part 3

Dispose of your Waste - Part 2

The Fantastical New Adventures of Wonder Man and Special Kid

It was a cloudy morning in Liverpool. Visibility was poor as smog from the newly opened tracksuit factory rolled over the burned out houses. Trev and Jes were down in the basement sorting through all of the electronics that had they had liberated from the tyranny that was Currys.Digital. Trev and Jes had dedicated their life to fighting these evil corporations. But these were not regular freedom fighters, for they had a secret identity known only to each other and the Scotland yard crime lab... When Trev and Jes put on their magical la-coste tracksuits they become none other than "Wonder Man" and "Special Kid". Two men sworn to help provide crime, Keep students out the city, and to fight the elderly in large groups.

Me and Mark

Cow Eating Snails